Scared

I had a friend once who told me he admired how brave and strong I am. Sometimes I wish he was around to see how wrong he was.

I am not brave; far from it really. Every "brave" thing I've ever done has happened as a result of a great deal of over-thinking and detailed planning or a spur of the moment decision. A Facebook confession of love? A letter telling someone you love them but can't handle being in their life anymore? An email telling someone off? That is not my idea of bravery, but passive-aggressive behavior.

I am scared all the time. I'm scared of what people think of me. I'm scared of failure. I'm afraid of success. I'm scared of having my heart broken again. I'm scared of the dark. I'm scared of my past. I'm scared of the future. I'm scared that my past will negatively affect my future. I'm scared that I'll never find love. I'm scared I will never truly be happy. I'm just plain scared.

Sometimes I am even scared of my own thoughts. What would it be like to collide head on with that 18-wheeler? How would it feel to just drive through the guard rails and fly off the highway? Or jump off a cliff? What would it feel like to be shot or stabbed? Or to kill someone? To watch someone die? To slit my wrists? Thoughts of hopelessness, confusion, worthlessness. I am scared to live inside my own head. Sometimes I feel like I am just waiting for an alternate personality to surface. I feel schizophrenic. Normal people can't possibly think these things.

My biggest fear right now is love. Loving and not being loved in return. Drifting away. Losing someone and being left with a broken heart. But that's a story for a later post.

I'm scared of life. I'm graduating in 7 months. I will have a degree. I will officially be an adult; a graduate. And at some point shortly after that I will be out on my own, no longer a student, for the first time ever in my life. And I am terrified.

I don't know how to get out of this. I don't know what else to say. I'm scared of everything.