I initially intended to write on a much lighter subject, but a boy who went to the same high school I went to died today. I never really knew him, but I am here crying just the same. I heard he attempted suicide, but did not succeed, fell into a coma and life support was shut off tonight. I obviously don't know for sure as its a recent thing, but that's what I've heard.
I have to say don't understand suicide. I used to think about suicide all the time, but now I just don't understand; not that I look down on anyone who has attempted or committed suicide. In fact, I have a reverse reaction, I wish I could have done something to prevent it. Sometimes all it takes it a few kind words. In this particular case the boy had many messages on his Facebook wall telling him to hang on, and that he can pull through. He had friends, he had a girlfriend, and a family. He was loved. I don't think I could ever be in the place where I feel so unloved that I would go back to thinking about taking my life, but my heart goes out to those who struggle with it. Many say its a selfish act, but I say those people have probably never experienced depression or suicidal thoughts.
I feel very strongly about suicide and depression as I have experienced first-hand the grip it can have on you. Because of this I made a SocialVibe account where I can raise money for the organization To Write Love on Her Arms. To Write Love on Her Arms is a not-for-profit organization which focuses on "presenting hope and finding help for people struggling with depression, addiction, self-injury and suicide," as stated on their website. I encourage anyone who stumbles across my blog to check out both www.twloha.com to learn more and www.socialvibe.com to help raise funds for TWLOHA or your favorite charity.
Death in general is horrible, but when it happens to a young person it seems even worse. To think of someone who had their whole life ahead of them and then its gone, just like that. I'm not against the act, but why is it that we care more about a person once they are gone? I admit, I am guilty of it. I never knew this boy, yet in his death I seem to care more about him and who he was and what he was going through. Why does death affect us this way? Why start to care about someone when its too late to make any impact on their life?
My new goal is to make sure my friends and family know how much I love them and how I could never live without them, to prevent this from potentially happening to my loved ones. I encourage everyone reading this to do the same. It takes 2 seconds to say "I love you" and its totally painless. Let people know how much they mean to you because you never know how much it could affect their life.
Dedicated to Tristan Zwicker 1990 - 2010. You will be missed.
Monday, January 25, 2010
Wednesday, January 13, 2010
Keeping Up Appearances
I'll never know why people are so hung up on appearances.
I have had my fair share of crushes on both physically attractive and unattractive guys; jerks and sweeties. In my own personal experience, its mostly the attractive guys who turn out to be complete assholes. They are full of themselves and think that less than perfect (aka me) is not good enough for them. And God forbid they ever take the time to actually get to know me! Well I have my flaws, everyone does, and I would prefer my flaw to be physical rather than something else.
Physical imperfections can usually be fixed, but extreme personality flaws cannot. For example, really hot girls that have nothing intelligent to say. I don't blame them though, they probably grew up being told how pretty they are and never really aspired to be more than something to be looked at. And there are those really hot girls who are complete bitches. Why is it that a guy would choose to be with a girl who is a huge bitch just because she's hot rather than go out with a girl who is super sweet and caring who is overweight? And don't even get me started on those girls who get fake boobs and plastic surgery. Those hot girls won't be as hot someday and when they need a personality to fall back on many of them won't find one, which is sad.
I'm not a huge fan of Chris Crocker (aka "Leave Britney Alone!" guy) because he is very controversial. However, he posted a video on youtube called Judging Covers... and it really spoke to me. He said a lot of meaningful things like "some books have empty pages" and "if you don't want to be bothered by people judging you by your cover, write the pages to your book." I'd like to say it doesn't bother me when people judge me by the way I look, but it does. I had to fight my own thoughts for 20 years before I was able to consider myself worth far more than what people see.
Appearance will always be important, its stupid, but thats the way most people are.
I have had my fair share of crushes on both physically attractive and unattractive guys; jerks and sweeties. In my own personal experience, its mostly the attractive guys who turn out to be complete assholes. They are full of themselves and think that less than perfect (aka me) is not good enough for them. And God forbid they ever take the time to actually get to know me! Well I have my flaws, everyone does, and I would prefer my flaw to be physical rather than something else.
Physical imperfections can usually be fixed, but extreme personality flaws cannot. For example, really hot girls that have nothing intelligent to say. I don't blame them though, they probably grew up being told how pretty they are and never really aspired to be more than something to be looked at. And there are those really hot girls who are complete bitches. Why is it that a guy would choose to be with a girl who is a huge bitch just because she's hot rather than go out with a girl who is super sweet and caring who is overweight? And don't even get me started on those girls who get fake boobs and plastic surgery. Those hot girls won't be as hot someday and when they need a personality to fall back on many of them won't find one, which is sad.
I'm not a huge fan of Chris Crocker (aka "Leave Britney Alone!" guy) because he is very controversial. However, he posted a video on youtube called Judging Covers... and it really spoke to me. He said a lot of meaningful things like "some books have empty pages" and "if you don't want to be bothered by people judging you by your cover, write the pages to your book." I'd like to say it doesn't bother me when people judge me by the way I look, but it does. I had to fight my own thoughts for 20 years before I was able to consider myself worth far more than what people see.
Appearance will always be important, its stupid, but thats the way most people are.
Wednesday, January 6, 2010
Songwriting
I don't have too much to say today, but for the sake of keeping my blog updated as much as possible I am gonna write whenever I think about it!
Those of you who know me know that I like to call myself a songwriter. Well in reality I have fully written 8-10 songs (minus music). I haven't written a song in months. I believe the last one I wrote was called I Wait which I wrote in late August/early September 2009. That is a really long time for me to have writer's block. I have 4 months worth of stuff piled up inside of me that I need to get out. But its just not working. I have a whole slew of song ideas, including a whole series about the guy I like; however, when I try to go any further there are no words to flesh out the ideas.
I always write songs about love. Isn't that weird since I have never actually been in love? And now that I currently like someone I find it harder to write love songs. It should be kind of easy, he gave me plenty to work with; but there is nothing. No verses, no chorus, no rhymes, no bridge, no melodies...just flat undeveloped ideas. Ugh, does anyone else know what this is like? I can't be the only one out there with sever writer's block!
Those of you who know me know that I like to call myself a songwriter. Well in reality I have fully written 8-10 songs (minus music). I haven't written a song in months. I believe the last one I wrote was called I Wait which I wrote in late August/early September 2009. That is a really long time for me to have writer's block. I have 4 months worth of stuff piled up inside of me that I need to get out. But its just not working. I have a whole slew of song ideas, including a whole series about the guy I like; however, when I try to go any further there are no words to flesh out the ideas.
I always write songs about love. Isn't that weird since I have never actually been in love? And now that I currently like someone I find it harder to write love songs. It should be kind of easy, he gave me plenty to work with; but there is nothing. No verses, no chorus, no rhymes, no bridge, no melodies...just flat undeveloped ideas. Ugh, does anyone else know what this is like? I can't be the only one out there with sever writer's block!
Tuesday, January 5, 2010
My 2009
2009 has been a different year for me; it’s been the best to date. I have changed so drastically since May many people would not believe it. Something changed for me in the summer that I can’t place the origin. I could attribute it to the bar scene or meeting a particular person (who could be you :P ) or a number of special people, but the truth is I don’t know. All I do know is that I have become more confident, less shy, care less what people think of me, braver, and so many more things and have had several experiences, both good and bad, because of this.
Biggest breakthrough:
I asked a guy out for the first time this year. It didn’t quite go according to plan; he didn’t exactly say no which I was expecting (he didn’t say yes either though lol). We are now FB friends and maybe someday we will be good friends, who knows? The point is I finally had enough guts to actually do it, and it didn’t hurt. I also had my first real date, which was totally lame, not gonna lie, but at least that’s out of the way now.
Talent:
This year I finally found something I am good at and I must admit it feels great to know I AM good at something. It’s nice to get compliments from people I don’t even know that well. I have been told I have a natural talent for makeup. I have only just started experimenting with makeup this year and have improved drastically in just a few months. I’m also pretty good at nail design. I have decided I am going to apply to NSCC for the esthetics program in the fall. It’s not my passion like singing but I will NEVER give up on either of these things because I am determined and I am good enough.
Biggest realization:
I AM good enough. To Hell with anyone who says any different. I finally know who I am. I am sweet and caring, passionate and sensitive. I am friendly, funny, and comforting. I love too much and too deeply and it gets me into all kinds of painful situations, but I wouldn’t want it any other way. I feel blessed that I am capable of loving this much or that I could love someone I have never met or someone who has hurt me. I have realized that it is the inside that matters and I have no room in my immediate circle of friends or in my life for people who base their judgements of a person solely on appearance. I can honestly say this without a doubt for the first time in my ENTIRE life. I am beautiful. I can finally look into a mirror and not feel repulsion or sadness. I am me and I like me just the way I am. And I know lots of other people love me for who I am. These people are my absolute greatest friends and I love each and every one of them dearly. I am tired of letting people bring me down and make me feel not good enough.
Spirituality:
I also changed a lot spiritually this year; if you don’t care please skip this paragraph. I have had several epiphanies this year. One of which involved me finally acknowledging that I long for God with every single, solitary, microscopic fibre of my being. I can’t be without Him, ever. To lose faith in God would be the worst thing in the world to me. I would cease to exist. He is the single thread holding my life together when things get hard, and he is the strongest thread in the world and for that I am forever grateful. He is always there when I break down and I have turned to him in fear, sadness, confusion and anger more times in the past few months than ever before. Regretfully, I have turned my anger on Him more than a few times, but I know now those issues were never his fault and he still helped me through even though I was blaming him.
Friends:
I have also met so many awesome people this year and became great friends with some people I just barely knew in high school. I am gonna try to list everyone: Amanda Hill, Amanda Shepherd, Dominique, Garett, Gord, Jesse, Kathleen, Kathryn, Katie, Kyle, Mitchell, Nathan, Paula, Rose, Valerie and Wendy; sorry if I missed anyone! For those of you I knew in high school: I can’t believe we were never friends before! You are all amazing and I am glad we had a chance to reconnect. For those of you I just met this year and still don’t know very well: I hope I can get to know you better, you are all amazing people and I would love to be closer friends someday. I am so glad that 2009 has given me some great new friendships that are bound to last forever.
Besties:
2009 also helped me realize just how thankful I am for my best friends. I had no idea that girls could be such bitches until this year when I was backstabbed by a “friend”. I lucked out when I was given my girlies because they are the sweetest group of girls ever! I don’t know how we managed to be friends so long without a single fight or any backstabbing. My guess is y’all are just too nice and I love you for that! The top events this year with my nearest and dearest: Amber and Lisa day (June 14th!), Megan’s visit to NS, being Maid of Honor at Melly’s wedding, being roommates with Shalela and getting Lisa back from MUN...and of course our random and sometimes surprise adventures. I love you girls to death; thanks for being so damn amazing :)! Thanks also for the many heart-to-heart conversations; they have left a long-lasting impression on me.
Hardships
I’m not about to say 2009 was totally perfect.
My father was also diagnosed with cancer early in the year. Luckily it was caught early and he is a lot better after completing radiation. I had my fair share of tears in 2009, in fact, probably more than some other years. Between struggling to find an apartment in September, boys, homework overload, boys, stress about rent, boys, failing my Finance course, and boys I have spent a lot of time crying this year. But it’s not all bad, tears and hard times make us stronger and I lived to see 2010 so I think it’s all good!
Biggest breakthrough:
I asked a guy out for the first time this year. It didn’t quite go according to plan; he didn’t exactly say no which I was expecting (he didn’t say yes either though lol). We are now FB friends and maybe someday we will be good friends, who knows? The point is I finally had enough guts to actually do it, and it didn’t hurt. I also had my first real date, which was totally lame, not gonna lie, but at least that’s out of the way now.
Talent:
This year I finally found something I am good at and I must admit it feels great to know I AM good at something. It’s nice to get compliments from people I don’t even know that well. I have been told I have a natural talent for makeup. I have only just started experimenting with makeup this year and have improved drastically in just a few months. I’m also pretty good at nail design. I have decided I am going to apply to NSCC for the esthetics program in the fall. It’s not my passion like singing but I will NEVER give up on either of these things because I am determined and I am good enough.
Biggest realization:
I AM good enough. To Hell with anyone who says any different. I finally know who I am. I am sweet and caring, passionate and sensitive. I am friendly, funny, and comforting. I love too much and too deeply and it gets me into all kinds of painful situations, but I wouldn’t want it any other way. I feel blessed that I am capable of loving this much or that I could love someone I have never met or someone who has hurt me. I have realized that it is the inside that matters and I have no room in my immediate circle of friends or in my life for people who base their judgements of a person solely on appearance. I can honestly say this without a doubt for the first time in my ENTIRE life. I am beautiful. I can finally look into a mirror and not feel repulsion or sadness. I am me and I like me just the way I am. And I know lots of other people love me for who I am. These people are my absolute greatest friends and I love each and every one of them dearly. I am tired of letting people bring me down and make me feel not good enough.
Spirituality:
I also changed a lot spiritually this year; if you don’t care please skip this paragraph. I have had several epiphanies this year. One of which involved me finally acknowledging that I long for God with every single, solitary, microscopic fibre of my being. I can’t be without Him, ever. To lose faith in God would be the worst thing in the world to me. I would cease to exist. He is the single thread holding my life together when things get hard, and he is the strongest thread in the world and for that I am forever grateful. He is always there when I break down and I have turned to him in fear, sadness, confusion and anger more times in the past few months than ever before. Regretfully, I have turned my anger on Him more than a few times, but I know now those issues were never his fault and he still helped me through even though I was blaming him.
Friends:
I have also met so many awesome people this year and became great friends with some people I just barely knew in high school. I am gonna try to list everyone: Amanda Hill, Amanda Shepherd, Dominique, Garett, Gord, Jesse, Kathleen, Kathryn, Katie, Kyle, Mitchell, Nathan, Paula, Rose, Valerie and Wendy; sorry if I missed anyone! For those of you I knew in high school: I can’t believe we were never friends before! You are all amazing and I am glad we had a chance to reconnect. For those of you I just met this year and still don’t know very well: I hope I can get to know you better, you are all amazing people and I would love to be closer friends someday. I am so glad that 2009 has given me some great new friendships that are bound to last forever.
Besties:
2009 also helped me realize just how thankful I am for my best friends. I had no idea that girls could be such bitches until this year when I was backstabbed by a “friend”. I lucked out when I was given my girlies because they are the sweetest group of girls ever! I don’t know how we managed to be friends so long without a single fight or any backstabbing. My guess is y’all are just too nice and I love you for that! The top events this year with my nearest and dearest: Amber and Lisa day (June 14th!), Megan’s visit to NS, being Maid of Honor at Melly’s wedding, being roommates with Shalela and getting Lisa back from MUN...and of course our random and sometimes surprise adventures. I love you girls to death; thanks for being so damn amazing :)! Thanks also for the many heart-to-heart conversations; they have left a long-lasting impression on me.
Hardships
I’m not about to say 2009 was totally perfect.
My father was also diagnosed with cancer early in the year. Luckily it was caught early and he is a lot better after completing radiation. I had my fair share of tears in 2009, in fact, probably more than some other years. Between struggling to find an apartment in September, boys, homework overload, boys, stress about rent, boys, failing my Finance course, and boys I have spent a lot of time crying this year. But it’s not all bad, tears and hard times make us stronger and I lived to see 2010 so I think it’s all good!
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