Moving On?

A month ago I came into the knowledge that the guy I have had a crush on for almost a year has a girlfriend. I can't say I didn't expect it. I wasn't surprised in the slightest.

So many things happen when this kind of thing hits you. For me it felt like I had ice running though my veins. My mind raced with questions. I made myself a promise that I wouldn't cry and broke it immediately. I literally couldn't stop thinking about it. Things just didn't add up. I didn't, and honestly still don't, know what to do with myself. Do you wait it until something gives or until someone else comes along? Or do you listen to your friends who say, "at least now you can move on"?

Moving on sounds awesome, in theory, but it is far easier said than done.

Does a guy having a girlfriend automatically cancel out all of the amazing things you saw in him? Everything that attracted you to him? Does it make him less funny? Less attractive? Less caring? Does it null out all of the things you have in common? Does it really change anything at all?

The answer, of course, is no. He is the exact same man. The only thing that changes is the knowledge of where you stand with him. All of the things you were initially attracted to are still there. He is still funny, weird, handsome, and sweet. You'll still root for the same football team and like the same TV shows. He just isn't yours to have.

I somehow thought the girlfriend would change everything; like it would instantly erase everything I felt and everything I had hoped for. But the reality of the situation is, those feelings are still there and, unfortunately, they are just as strong as they previously were. That little crush is still present and continues to mend and break my heart over and over.

Moving on would be great. It would be a blessing at this point. I was hoping for immediate severance and what I got instead was an abundance of tears and confusion and that hopeful stupidity that so many of us are doomed to face. Constant over-analyzing and running back in forth inside my head. Wanting him to be happy, but also wanting to be happy myself. It's exhausting to want someone in your life so badly and yet not want to deal with the heartbreak you experience every time he looks at you.

Moving on isn't easy. It isn't pleasant. It just IS.