Masochistic Love

Why are some people such masochists? I'm sure some are worse than others, but I guarantee everyone is guilty of constantly going back to something that hurts them. Maybe it's returning to relationships, friendships, or people who are absolutely toxic. Or maybe loving someone who never loved you back, but you can't seem to let them go. That's where my experience has led me.

I liked this guy, Jordan*, for about a year. During that time, countless tears where shed over him; especially when he started dating another girl. They started dating in July of last year. I ended up blocking him from my Facebook news feed shortly after, since the bombardment of lovey-dovey pictures wasn't helping my heart any. I tried striking up conversations on FB Chat a few times; as I always had. He never responded.

Eventually I lost track of him. I visited his Facebook profile less and less and at one point I actually became happy for him and his girlfriend. We still didn't talk, but I finally moved past it and decided if he couldn't be a big enough person to contribute to our friendship, I would put it on hold until he decided it was worth making an effort. I left it to him to make the next move; whatever that may be.

Imagine my surprise when this September, over a year since we had last talked, he sent me a message on Facebook chat. It seemed like no time had passed at all! I was pretty excited and thinking this might finally mean we can be friends. We ended the convo with a "talk to you later" and a "see you around". I felt pretty damn good about the whole thing.

A few days later I saw him at the mall. Sticking with my original plan of not making any more first moves, I just went about my business pretending like I didn't see him. Bad idea. When he walked right past me, seemingly snubbing me, those old wounds opened up again and confusion set in. Familiar confusion. Why would he say "see you around" and then snub me? Did he even see me? Did he mean it? I was hurt, but I clung to the idea that maybe he didn't see me.

A few days later Jordan deleted Facebook. I wasn't surprised as a mutual friend had told me he was intending on deleting what he had referred to as "Ex-Book". A few days later my friend told me she had seen on Facebook that Jordan and his girlfriend had broken up about a month prior. Since his posts weren't published on my news feed, I never saw it. So not only did he start a conversation, but he is also single again.

Then I did the worst thing I could do: I got my hopes up.

I went out to the bar with my girlfriends one weekend after that. He worked there as a bouncer and I assumed that since he had mentioned not seeing me there in awhile he probably still worked there. Not the case. My friend KP asked the manager if certain people still worked there and when she asked if Jordan did, his reply was "No, he moved away". I ended up in the bathroom crying for 15 minutes. AGAIN. The crying in the bathroom was not a new thing. And crying over him in general was a pretty common thing.

Why do I keep doing this to myself? I was fine for a year and then he comes back into my life just long enough to sink his claws back into my heart and then he disappears. The worst part is I didn't just say "fuck it" and go on with my life. I LET him get to me again. And I STILL don't want to be done with him. He's like a drug to me. I know he's no good for me, but the feeling I get from him is like a high I could never duplicate. I want him to be gone, but I can't handle the idea of not having that feeling only he has ever given me.

It's emotional masochism at its finest. And it's a bitch.